Once again I come to this page where all voices are made silent, and only the eyes are left to read the woes of my crooked mind.

The past months have been very busy. School- homework- school...
Theres nothing quite like losing a friend, and i'm comming to realize that a 'clean break' doesnt exist at all, the pain remains. But if you knew you lost someone, and it could all be because of you, wouldnt you wonder, how many times this has happened before?

My life is and exists on the internet, so 80% of my thoughts and feelings are expressed in text, to all of four people i actually care about- it used to be 5.

Text is a powerful thing, when things so small as or xD can send a message of great importance. Even <3 has its own little meaning. Thoughts.. feelings all espressed in the way things are placed on the line. So to say something like "I love you." and "I love you..." Are still.. two very different things. But this isn't about love, nor the lack there of, its about... Expressing a curiosity.

I wonder how many times I have joked with someone, thinking it was all fun and games, to find out they were hurt my something i said?
How many times did i tell someone I loved them... Not knowing they would never say it back?
How many times, then, have I met someone great, and scared them away by being too honest, too forward, to serious with them?
How many times have i lost an opportunity to meet someone who could change my life- just because of what that person heard about me, before they got to meet me?
How many times have i fucked something up for someone else just because i said something the wrong way, or read into something that wasn't there?
How many people... How many of them think i'm just some over paranoid crooked bitch, self-centered and assholish?
How many jokes gone awry, how many words left unsaid, how many too much spoken, how many lost because of the lag time between the servers, how many lost forever because we both forgot how important they were?

What makes a friendship real or not real? When do you decide to make it serious or not serious? Whats the point that scares people away? I wish.. I wish i knew.

For me, any friendship is real- be is in person or over the internet- because in my mind.. the people are still real- on the other end of that typing there are fingers to a person who is just as real as me, who feels, and thinks, just as much as me. And in my mind- that person has something in common with me, that we are both there, typing, to eachother. I have little to no real life friends- no one i could hang out with on a day-by-day basis...

So the people i meet, i talk to, i joke with. The more i get to know them, the more i let them get to know me, the more i trust, the more i share and confide, the closer i get to them. Every best friend I have ever had has been over the internet- and slowly, each of them has fallen away to be replaced by another- but never forgotten. I could give you their names, if it didn't hurt to think them- because none of these friends left without leaving some sort of scar on me. Not saying they wanted to, or meant to, just that it is the result.

But i am sensing a trend here, its always something wrong with me. So why cant they tell me what is wrong with me? I dont know what's wrong so i freak out and they get gone because im freaking out- the fiance walks off because he knows im just having another episode, I'll be fine in the morning that this is just another thing that is happening due to stress and chemical imbalances in my brain
so please why wont someone fucking tell me

what the fuck is wrong with me what did i say? What did I do? How many times have i done this to you? I know i might seem a little bit strange because i wear my heart on my sleeve and my trust on the other and maybe if you walk away i might just cry so please before you go just please tell me what the fuck i did this time. How many times have you wondered just how un-sane i am? I got to tell you, i think im starting to beleive there really is something fucking wrong with me, if you could just please tell me what it was i think i might be okay.. Is there something between the lines i'm not reading or am i the one putting words there? I dont even know anymore. its just one argument tripping over a misunderstanding and landing in a pool of doubt and tears and hurt over fucking nothing every damn time this happens please just tell me if i need to just stop talking to make you understand me? Or can you maybe speak a little louder so i can hear you? Really i'm starting to lose my mind...